A PRODUCT
Monday, May 18
ANGST + SNAKESKIN
Let's start on a clean slate, shall we?
Hi, my name is Nisa Jabbar and I'm 17, heading 18 this August.
My life revolves around school, pilage of papers with scribbly, illegible handwriting coupled with angry dashes of red, a cute circle of friends and my scaly skin.
I'm meeting my hot but rather annoying dermathologist tomorrow for another appointment cause the condition of my skin sucks cause he gives me the same bull the stinky old polyclinic gives me. He robs me of my sleep, compensates me with his good looks and bod but steals it again by not working on my scaly skin.
Just now, I sat in front of my mirror and bawled my eyes out cause I thought I saw a monster.
Then I realised I was the monster. That low esteem freakazoid. If I start breaking down in front of that hot doc tomorrow, he'll think I'm depressed then he'll refer me to a therapist that I hate to see cause I hate talking to people like they're newborns.
¶ Monday, May 18, 2009 0 Comments
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Hi, my name is Nisa Jabbar and I'm 17, heading 18 this August.
My life revolves around school, pilage of papers with scribbly, illegible handwriting coupled with angry dashes of red, a cute circle of friends and my scaly skin.
I'm meeting my hot but rather annoying dermathologist tomorrow for another appointment cause the condition of my skin sucks cause he gives me the same bull the stinky old polyclinic gives me. He robs me of my sleep, compensates me with his good looks and bod but steals it again by not working on my scaly skin.
Just now, I sat in front of my mirror and bawled my eyes out cause I thought I saw a monster.
Then I realised I was the monster. That low esteem freakazoid. If I start breaking down in front of that hot doc tomorrow, he'll think I'm depressed then he'll refer me to a therapist that I hate to see cause I hate talking to people like they're newborns.
& no one hurts my Teha.
Supergirl, you've got me!
We shall catch each other when 'friends' decide to disregard us.
& seriously to that smelly, gooey Vagina,
to hell with you and your friends.
NO ONE makes my Teha sad.
Wednesday, February 11
"Hi. We're Blink-182. This past week there've been a lot of questions about the current status of the band, and we wanted you to hear it straight from us. To put it simply, We're back. We mean, really back. Picking up where we left off and then some. In the studio writing and recording a new album. Preparing to tour the world yet again. Friendships reformed. 17 years deep in our legacy. Summer 2009. Thanks and get ready."
ZOMG
I'M AS HAPPY AS A LARK
I can finally realise my dream of meeting the band as a whole. WOOOOH~
Anyway, Travis could do with some shaving and my favourite, best, awwwwwhsome skinnyboy will be back. The other 2, I can just smile to. Ah the heebyjeebies.
I'M READY!
Bring it.
¶ Wednesday, February 11, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Monday, February 2
Because Justina Nai said I only seek solace in my blog/livejournal when I'm happy, today I'm more than determined to prove her otherwise.
;D
So my day started with me marching out of the toilet 'cause Mom needed to excrete her shits badly in the morning. I was only halfway through the shower process, I hate it when I'm interrupted during my steamy bath session.
Then, I entered the oldskool coveted lift puddled with puke of orange and green at the corner. Gross, I wonder what the person ate. The lift stopped at the 5th storey, a KC kiddo came in, got 'bedazzled' at the puke and got out while slapping me with a sympathetic smile. Then I met her again when the lift opened. My oldskool lift is so slow like that -.-
& the bus. It was packed with Ali-s and Ahmad-s and Serondeng-s and bo-chaps. So I didn't get a seat, went upstairs, walked to the very end of the upper deck, still no seats and went solemnly down again. I didn't feel a thing just pweargh.
Then there were all the bag pushing and little kids rooting till the height of my skirt, squeezing their way through, alongside the big mighty bags. The erghs, ughs.
Finally, it was my favourite stop where all the Damaians scooted off the bus and I was left with a number of empty hot seats to choose from.
From then, it was all glee.
College friends were spastic, as usual.
Missed the St Pat's freshie though, guess he was too excited.
Hair Chew's taiqi lesson was refreshing. He's just so amiable.
Break.
Freshies weren't eye poppin'.
Math fundamental lesson.
School ends.
AT 1.
JOY!
Lepak-ed with Dinah after lunch. Whole bunch of storytelling. Saw the real world through her lenses. The non-existence of so called 'brotherhood' and everything else. I learnt a lot from that lady, and the thick love shared between her and her pie. It was heartwarming, very.
Dinah, you rock.
Then came Sha. & it was love again, on its tests.
But we all emerged charged and much stronger girls after the whole session.
It made me realise Hyqhel was a chapter.
*
Then it was mashed potato and Felina's warm hug.
Miss that chicalita.
& finally, a long walk home.
TARA!
& V just bought me 2 gifts!
HEH
Anyhooves, I'm still tickled by the fact that you can throw a sheep at someone on Facebook. Hahahah, still can't get over it.
A SHEEP.
Labels: Better days
¶ Monday, February 02, 2009 0 Comments Links to this post
Friday, January 30
Today I realised how much of myself I lost, in this process of growing up. How I feel that the world, the society is robbing something away from me. A chat with Omar confirmed my fears.
It is not even cool to watch yourself drained like this. Especially when you know it's at this stage that you have to garner yourself to face incoming barriers. If I can get disheartened by something I cannot do and it drives me to retire from that field when fact is, I merely tried once, then I think there's something missing. I used to be brimmed with confidence that I felt so good about myself. But sadly now, nothing is appropriate. Everything I try seems to backfire, and even if I feel that I did give my all, it wouldn't be good enough. Being a perfectionist, I demand a certain standard from myself. & when I don't get the desired results, I get vexed. I begin loathing myself and this process repeats itself.
I, for one, dislike competitions, cause I'm competitive like that. I didn't think I was like this, until today. When I felt success was being bias.
I want to continue but I see this need to think, or re-think.
Monday, January 12
So why not you tell me now, what do I do?
Everything is just so wrong in your eyes.
Every little molecule that makes my blood messes with your head.
Why are you so bothered by my very existence?
Is my name that delicious that it's always in your mouth?
Why can't you just be a god damn normal Mom and greet me with love at the doorstep?
WHY do you have to greet me with your stupid paranoia, ridiculous accusations?
Why am I such an irritant to you?
Is my failure that hard for you to accept?
Didn't I make my promises?
I know where I stand, I know what I want now, so WHY can't you just be a little nicer and provide me with encouragement instead?
Why do you have to mouth all those ragged words to prick and batter with my heart again?
Haven't I loved you enough as a daughter?
Why can't you at least be concerned about how my skin is flaking by the minute?
Why do you hurl insults after insults after insults to all the things I do, to every minute action that I take?
Why is everthing so wrong?
WHY do you always blame the circumstances?
WHY do you always blame me for being me?
Only when I have good grades will you love me?
Only when I behave like a saint will you love me?
Only when I become a clone of yours will you love me?
Only when I lose myself will you love me?
You had me insane with all my emotions running amok that I could not even fulfill a wish of an innocent boy who cares for me.
Tell me, why did I choose to stick with you despite knowing a boy so unrelated by blood could love me better than MY OWN MOTHER would?
He doesn't insult me, calling me cheap when I mingle with other boys despite having his heart so etched to mine. So why do you have all these wild imaginations of me performing the unappropriate all the time?
HOW COULD YOU CALL YOUR OWN DAUGHTER CHEAP?
Please Mama, if only you knew how deep your words slice me.
It didn't use to be like this.
You leased me with so much freedom then, that I crave for your care.
You fed me with so much of your wealth, that the only dish that could me happy was your love.
But now that I know this is how you work, I just wish that everything had remained stagnant then.
You can go back to being a workaholic of a Mom, buy my love with your dollar and I wouldn't even complain.
Now as a result for all your blatant actions, I cannot face that boy who patiently waited at my void deck for 2 hours. I had him thinking all sorts, that I was making excuses not to meet him, that I'd leave him deserted like how you would eventually. I can go running to him and fulfill all your god damn wildest imaginations. But I stayed in, I stayed in.
& God knows why I stayed in.
If this is your love Mama, then I don't need it.
I can fucking do without it.
You came in the way of love so great you can never give.
¶ Monday, January 12, 2009 0 Comments
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Sunday, January 11
Friday, January 9
2008 was a joke of its own.
Ego had a good time watching me get consumed with relentless pursuits of anxiety, sudden tears, terrible lovelorn loneliness and just getting defeated defeated defeated. Failure failure failure.
So 2009 will be a price to pay for 2008's mistakes.
College and grades have yet to register their importance into my head. Yet I am still aware of my personal resolution to a certain someone I call my Mom. I will prove myself to be worthy of some of your respect. Acceptance is 2009's biggest resolution. & she, is going to be a determinant of it. I don't give up pining for your love and acceptance because I believe in family. Still.
I have truckloads of pictures to upload. My holidays have been but eventful. Loving the late nights, sleepovers, hangovers, joyful company of favourite chics and dicks, joyrides, the pounce I'm gaining..
I am still trying to be an avid blogger.
Lastly, thank you to all the yous who are still reading.
Don't give up on me!
Yours, faithfully
